Levels of Deep Listening: Active, Reflective and Validating

Nature gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.

Let’s listen twice as much as we talk.

Deep Listener > Big Talker

We all want to be heard. In our quest to make ourselves heard, we forget to listen to others.  The best way to be heard . . .  is to start by listening. Listening shows respect and empathy for the other person. Listening builds trusting relationships. 

Everybody wants to be heard and understood. 

When people feel heard first, they become more willing to listen to you. If they're upset, they calm down. 

When you gain a reputation as a listener, people are more interested in what you have to say.

The more you listen, the more you learn and the more you know. As a result, what you have to say is more informed and relevant to the people you work with.

You can practice deep listening at work, at home with your spouse and children, with friends, neighbors and in volunteer activities.

Level 1: Polite Listening

The first level of listening is learning to at least be polite while the other person is talking. 

• Encourage the speaker. Give them full attention with eyes, face, body language.
• Don't be looking at your phone, PC, TV. 
• Don't get distracted by people walking by or text messages coming in, and 
• DON'T INTERRUPT !

Level 2: Active Listening

Active Listening goes beyond letting the other person talk. It's a hard skill to master but becomes easier with practice.

• Stop internal talk. 
• Focus on the speaker and what they are trying to tell you. 
• Don't start formulating your reply while they are talking. Instead lf listening to reply, listen to understand the other person. 
• Suspend judgment about what the other person says, even if you disagree, even if you find it outrageous. Your goal is to fully understand their point of view. 
• If you find yourself drifting on a tangent, rejecting an idea, or formulating a response, stop. Bring yourself back to what they are trying to say. 
• Take notes if it helps you focus.
• Listen between the lines. Is there a point being indirectly hinted at (some people are direct and blunt, others are more “diplomatic”)? What feelings is the person expressing? Are they nervous, sad, angry, exasperated, defensive, scared, proud, excited, passionate? That gives more meaning to the words they are saying.

Level 3: Reflective Listening

When you have actively listened to what the other person has said, you can show them you were listening by reflecting back to the other person what you think they meant and checking that you've understood correctly. This helps avoid misunderstandings. It helps you truly understand their perspective. It helps the speaker to feel truly heard.

• Paraphrase what you’ve heard to check your understanding. Be careful to paraphrase respectfully, not mocking, prosecuting, or twisting what they say.
• Reflect on both content and emotions. 
• “So you’re not getting the specs on time and you have to rush through the work? That must be stressful. “ 
• “You finally got certified? I’ll bet you’re proud!”
• Before responding, check your understanding:
• "Is that what you meant?"
• "Did I get that right?"
• "How are you feeling about that?"

From here, you can ask deeper questions, or you can share your perspectives. 

If you want to take your listening skills to the highest level . . . 

Level 4: Validating/Legitimizing the Speaker

People repeat themselves because they think they haven't yet been understood or taken seriously. They are seeking validation of their concerns and ideas. They are seeking agreement, sympathy, and sometimes solutions. 

When you have to disagree with someone, it feels to them like an invalidation of their point of view. A skilled and diplomatic listener looks for opportunities to provide validation as a building block for moving forward in the discussion. This skill is not only useful in the moment, but when practiced regularly, it builds rapport and mutual respect.  

How do you validate? 

• Reflect on the emotion they are expressing (see reflective listening above).
• "I can see you're disappointed."
• "I know how worried you've been about x."
• Agree with at least one statement they've made (even if you don't agree with their whole position).
• “You're right, we are operating on a shoestring budget.” 
• “Yes, I appreciate that you work very hard.”
• Agree with intent.   If you can't agree with any of their statements, at least try to recognize the good intentions behind them.
• “I see that your heart is in the right place.” 
• "I know you're trying to help."
• “I know you want to do the best job possible and I commend that.”

This is also a valuable step if you have to disagree with something they’ve said.

• Agreeing with statement: 
• “So you’re saying you feel overloaded and want an assistant to help? I agree that you seem overwhelmed and stressed, and I don’t want you to burn out. Let’s have a look at your workload and figure out together how we can streamline it. I’d rather do that as a first step before we consider adding personnel.”
• Agreeing with intent: 
• “So you’re saying we can improve our profitability by replacing one of the food ingredients with sawdust. I certainly agree with the goal of improving our profitability! I’m concerned about the consequences of putting sawdust in food. What other ideas do you have for improving profitability?”

No "buts"!  

Notice the word "but" was not used in the above examples. Why not? Because "but" and its fancy cousin "however" immediately destroy the power of the validation by negating everything the speaker just shared with you. It sounds like this to the other person:

• "I appreciate your position, but my position will prevail."
• "I know you are concerned about x, but I don't think it's a big deal."
• "I heard all your arguments, but I'm not taking any of them on board."
• "I know it's important to you that we do x, but we're going to do y."
• "You did a good job on x, but you need to improve y."

Which is the same as saying, I listened, but I didn't really hear and I don't care.

The Ultimate Validation: Being Right

People love to hear that their boss/peer/employee/spouse or other family member thinks they are right. Don't be stingy about letting people know when they are right - be generous. Look for opportunities to validate people by giving them the gift of being right. They will remember it. 

• You’re right! That could work!
• You’re right. We need to fix this.

When someone is proven right after some time has passed, bring it up and give them their due.

• “You were right about that contractor. They did cut corners. We should have listened to you more closely when you raised your concerns. Would you be willing to help us figure out how to salvage this?”
• “Cristina thought we could open a new revenue stream selling our components to hobbyists. Turns out she was right! They’re selling like hotcakes. Let’s all give Cristina a round of applause.”